Fill my sorrow {Levi Ackerman x Reader}

[ Delinquent!Levi x Ballerina!Reader  .Modern AU. ]
                                ~

"And why do you sing Hallelujah

If it means nothing to you

Why do you sing with me at all?

"

[Name] realizes it's only been about five months, but it feels like forever. A while back, when she was still a dancer, when she could still captivate the hearts of millions with a simple movement of her body, a simple twirl, a smile here and there, she might have thought the idea of spending time with the person she loved would be romantic, perfect. Where time could pass faster than what she'd be able to register because every single second next to that person would be like an eternity and a perfect one at that. Moments spent gazing at each other's eyes, cherishing every word, ever lingering touch, every brush of lips.

And it wouldn't matter if years went by and they'd never notice, because they'd be too busy enjoying their time, the 'now' to them, and nothing else would matter. Cities could crumble and fall, war could wage and lives could be lost, they could drown for all she'd care, but as long as she was with him, then everything would be divine perfect. A perfect picture, forever held frozen by a simple gaze.

And it wasn't like she didn't love Levi, she did, she did with all of her heart. Still, she felt like a traitor, because she loved him with everything, he was the first person to make her feel alive, whole, but not in the same way dancing had made her feel. No, [Name] thinks with a soft sigh. Levi would never fill the empty spot left in her heart for something so natural, so embedded in her skin, her blood that it felt just as right as breathing. But she wouldn't tell him this, because she loves Levi and he loves her.

And love's always supposed to prevail right?

So what if she's not able to perform in front of an audience anymore? What if  she no longer will get the applause, the praises, the thousands of eyes trained on her and her only, the spotlight being hers? Because [Name]'s greedy, selfish, she loves the attention she gets and she might have tried to push the thoughts of it back into her mind, locked away somewhere dark. But thoughts, they don't leave, they linger, they grow and extend until you can longer control them. So if she feels the bitter resentment of what her life could have still been, she tries to ignore it.

But then, the fact that she's not allowed to go out, that she's not allowed to call her family or friends, because contact meant people could track her down, and a part of her didn't want that because she knows, knows that if people found out where she's currently residing, they'd take Levi away. They'd take her away from Levi, and [Name], she can't deal, she can't cope. She knew what she was getting into, but the thrill, his gaze, his words.

So easy to follow through, so easy to sink. Harder to keep sinking, because soon enough ( too soon, too soon! ) reality comes crashing down, and the water feels heavy on her lungs, and she swims, high, higher, and everytime she can pull her hand out, feel the cold air, she realizes, and then lets herself sink. ( Levi will always be there for her, he needs to be, and if [Name] swims and if she breathes air, then she'll lose him, and she can't... she can't lose something else. First her dancing and then Levi. )

But it doesn't change the fact that it's been five months. Five glorious months, and she's afraid what the upcoming ones might bring. Because it's been five months of pure happiness, joy, bliss, and she wonders what happened to shatter her pink-tinted vision, her rose-coloured world. And if it starts like this, then she fears what her thoughts ( realizations ) might make her do in the future.

[Name] stays in her spot, on the couch, gazing out the window of a city she's not able to explore, and then blanks out, because she no longer wants to think. She's vaguely aware of Levi's presence until his arms wrap around her frame and she leans into him, ignores the smell of blood on him and something resembling smoking, and slips her eyes shut.

Maybe, and just maybe, she could stay blind to the harsh and cold reality.





If Levi notices the way [Name] starts to move like she's on stage while walking around the studio, he doesn't make a comment. [Name] doesn't seem to notice though, and Levi can tell she's not in the room mentally. Her eyes dull,  the beautiful [eye colour] shade seems far away and distant. If he sits down to watch her, when she's so far gone in her imagination, that the controlled walk-dancing slips and then she's doing full out dancing, then he doesn't say anything.

There's something oddly peaceful about the silence. Only the soft sound of [Name]'s light feet on the floor and she glides across the floor, and the sound of her breathing. He can almost hear the music to which she dances to.





When [Name] stops dancing all together, it takes Levi two months to realize.

He doesn't spend much time in the studio. He steals, he makes deals and it's the only way he can keep a roof over their heads. Sometimes he wonders if it was selfish of his part to have dragged [Name] into his world. She already had her life sorted out. He could picture her now, belonging to the high world, part of the rich and famous people who had a place in history books. She could've been the ballerina of their age, the best one of the world.

And he is selfish, because then he thinks about the fact that now she's his, he has her. And the fact that she thinks of him as something precious, well that, he too likes that.

So when he starts to spend more time in their studio, he does notice that sometimes, when he's supposed to be napping, there's the absent sound of her steps. He worries, after a while, and when calls upon [Name] and she doesn't respond right away, he worries.

            "Me? I'm fine, just tired, is all." She'd say and flinch when he leveled her a gaze that screamed out 'bullshit', but his lips remain shut. If there's one thing he knows about [Name], is that she doesn't like being questioned.





Levi buys her tickets to a ballet show. [Name] tries, she really does try! To hold the tickets and look grateful. But the tears that escape her eyes are not of happiness, and Levi notices and she can see the way his face crumbles, for a moment, because he knows ( he knew ) something was wrong, and all it took was this to get [Name] to open up.

            "I can't, don't make me." She says and rubs at her eyes, the tears they keep falling, and it makes speaking so much harder than it needs to be. "Don't make me regret it Levi, please don't." Please don't make me go, please don't make me go see what my future would've been like, what I've given up to be with you.

She doesn't need to explain, it sinks in his guts, the realization, and it feels heavier than any boulder he's carried, both mentally and physically. [Name] doesn't want to regret her decision, the decision of leaving everything behind because links could cause him trouble, could get him caught. He never meant to drag her so deep down, and the thought of it makes him feel guilty.

            "You're not obligated, you idiot." He sighs and pulls her closer, such a fragile body, shaking, because of him. He uses one arm to encircle her waist and the free hand to pull her chin up with his thumb, he wipes the tears from her soaken cheeks and leans in to plant a soft, reassuring kiss on her lips. "You're not obligated to stay."

His only response from her part is yet another sob, before she buries her face on his chest and cries her heart out.

            "Please don't hate me, I love you so much but I can't... it's a part of me, I-" She trembles, chokes on her words, and he runs his fingers down her [hair colour] locks. He shushes her, and kisses her head.

            "I'll never hate you, but don't stay if you're not happy. I'm not going to be responsible for the death of something beautiful."





If one day he wakes up and doesn't find her anywhere in the studio, he doesn't question it. He understands, he really does.

Doesn't mean it hurts any less.